Monday, April 11, 2011

Single motherhood is hard!

So, Heath is out of town for the week working in Hattiesburg. One would think that a grown woman, who just made 26 and is officially on the downward slide of her 20's, could handle 2 dogs all by herself. Au contaire, my friend. Au contraire. The little one is gnawing on my computer cord as I write this and the big one is howling at the neighbor's puppy so loud that I had to look out to make sure he wasn't actually in pain. The day was going pretty well, for a Monday anyway, until I decided to get a quick trim after work. Being the cheap person that I am, I thought a $12.95 trim sounded fine. I went in to WonderCuts, got this old lady that had hair like an inch long. My first mistake. Don't trust someone with really short hair when all you want is a trim. I kept telling her she was cutting too much, but by that time the damage had been done. She asks me how it feels, and I said okay. She took off my gown, but I didn't get up because my hair was still soaking wet. I said, "Aren't you going to dry it?" "That's extra." "Seriously?" "Yeah." "UM.. Well okay, I guess let's dry it." Literally 2 minutes later, she announces that shes done, even though the roots of my hair is still obviously wet. $6. $6! $6 for the drying. I could buy a travel hair dryer of my own for $6. It cost 50% of the cut to get your hair "dried". Gimme a break. A bad haircut and a rip off, way to end a decent Monday. I drive back home, constantly messing with my hair in the mirror, hoping Heath won't be able to even notice its been cut by the time he gets home on Friday. I pull up in the drive, hop out of the Jeep and feel a familiar cold nose right in my back. I jumped, turned around and find Narc just wagging his tail like he's the happiest dog alive. "What are you doing out of hte back yard!!??" And then I stood there a second, like I expected him to actually answer me. I drug him inside, where you could hear Ty wailing to be let out of the bathroom. I put Narc in the garage because I have to let Ty potty in the back yard since Heath put ant poison in the front yard. We usually take him in the front because he gets too excited and distracted by Narc in the back to actually do his business. I put Narc up, get Ty out. But no use, Ty is too excited to do anything but run in circles. I inspect the back yard and see how Narc escaped. He dug a hole under the fence into the neighbors yard. Not the neighbors to the right who have the 2 wienny dogs Narc was just howling at, but the neighbors to the left who have a big, loud, growling pit bull. Great. I attempt to stack bricks in the hole, all the while having this pit bull growl and stick his head under the fence at me. Ty is just running all around his head, like he doesn't realize he could swallow him whole in one bite! I finally get the whole filled, but Ty still hasn't pottied yet. I brought him inside and put him in the kennel and put Narc out. I came back inside, put a frozen pizza in the oven, and sat on the couch playing with Ty. We played around for about 5 minutes until he peed allll over me!! So I spank him, put him in the kennel and go through my clothes in the washer. Meanwhile, my pizza is burning. I run back inside, pull the pizza out of the oven. While it's cooling, I clean the bathroom, where Ty has made an absolute mess! Pee and poop everywhere... except of course the puppy pad. Ugh potty training is going to be the death of me. I am eating my very well done, dried out pizza when Narc starts barking and growling like someone is in the back yard. I went to the back door and as my foot stepped in the pee Ty had so graciously left inside my shoe when I wasn't looking, my hand touched the screw on the light switch and I felt a little jolt go through me. It shocked me! Seriously! These two dogs are trying to kill me! After another round of spankings for little Ty, I just had to sit down and laugh. It's only Monday. How will I ever survive until Friday when Heath finally gets home!
You know recently, I've really been having baby fever. My sister had the most handsome little boy in January. My best friend had a beautiful little girl not even a week ago. And I've been feeling like I'm missing out.... But truthfully, I've got my hands full with my two "babies" already!... But I seriously will be happy when Friday gets here and their "daddy" gets home :)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Okay, so he was born 2 months ago, but I just haven't found the time to post this!

I know you're still growing and it's not quite time,
But I can't wait to meet this little nephew of mine.

Oh, I wonder what we'll see when the time comes around!
Will your hair be blonde, or will it be brown?
Will it stick up or will it lie down?

Ten little fingers and ten little toes,
One pretty smile and a cute button nose...
You have a family waiting with love that shows.

Blue, gray or brown, your eyes I can't wait to see,
But deeper than that, little one, who will you be?
What can I expect when you get older and come visit me?

Baseball, or football, or maybe even golf.
Hunting, and fishing, and catching toad frogs.
Legos or tonkas, mud pies or slugs,
I know one thing for certain, you sure better like hugs!

Who are you little man? I can't wait to see...
But secretly I hope you look a little like me!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

If I die Young

I heard this song this week and it just blew me away... Check out the words, it's gorgeous.

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Call me a Beggar

Call me a beggar, but mister could you spare me some time?
I want to hold my babies and read them sweet nursery rhymes.
I want to swing them on the porch and listen to the soft wind chimes.
Just to tell them I love them again, I'd trade you my very last dime.

Please! Please! My precious little boy has not yet turned two.
He needs me to clothe him, feed him, and tie his little shoes.
He needs me to teach him colors, and shapes, and his ABC's too.
Please! Please! What must I say to receive mercy from you?

My baby girl just turned eight, and is a big girl, I know.
But who else can give her all the love that I show?
When she's sick or when she's hurting, to whom will she go?
Tell me, where will she turn when life pulls her to and fro?

Please! My parents, they need me. I am their only daughter.
Don't you know how this will crush them? My sweet mother, my dear father.
All those spankings, scoldings, and groundings really were no bother,
For my life without my parents would've been like an ocean with no water.

I wish I could tell my kid brother how much he means to me,
And how he has changed my life everyday since I was three.
I wish now we were kids again, skipping rocks and climbing trees.
I'd love to go back to fighting over the seat on daddy's knee.

Won't you change your mind? Give me another chance?
I want so badly to live my life, please don't take it with no second glance.
Think of all my loved ones, all my cousins, uncles and aunts.
Is there anything I can say to unlock your murderous trance?

My family will fight for me, you are building your own tomb.
They will fervently seek justice, I swear you will be doomed.
The things you've done to me are only earthly wounds,
Just know that I will forever walk with my Heavenly Father soon.

You've seen the inner workings of this heart of mine,
So, now mister tell me, could you please just spare me some time?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The darkest day

My left hand took hold of my cousin, Devon, my right held tightly to my cousin, Laken. All the family ahead of us shuffled slowly through the big white double doors. The gap between the three of us standing side by side and the people ahead began to lengthen. We had to move forward, there were people behind us waiting to come in, but it seemed all of us were frozen in place. Then slowly, without saying a word, we all put one foot forward in unison. We moved together, as one, into that funeral parlor. This was the only way we would survive the day. The only way we could prepare ourselves for the sight we were about to see. I stared at the carpet, took notice of the color, but I had could muster no opinion of it. It was neither pretty nor ugly, neither bright nor dull, neither boring nor interesting; it just was. We took a step. I focused on the shoes of the people in front of me. Mostly black ones, some were brown, a few scattered white ones. We took a step. I gradually moved my eyes up to catch a glimpse of some black and white art work framed in what looked like an old window frame. It was familiar, I'd seen the curve of those lines before, I recognized the shape of the sketched flowers. It was Marriah's handiwork, crafted by the hands that lie still in that casket. We took a step. Then I finally saw that there were flowers. So many flowers. So many colors. We took a step. Bodies swayed from left to right as the line to see her shortened; we got closer and closer. Someone moved a step away from the person beside them, leaving an open space, and between the sea of torsos I saw her face. Eyes closed. Face so still. Her pretty brown hair laid in soft curls around her face and rested on the pillow. And then someone moved again, and my line of vision was blocked. I thought, Oh God, please, I can't go forward. I can't handle this. I can't move ahead. I don't want to go up there, I don't want to see her up close. I don't want to have to tell her goodbye. But nevertheless, we took a step. Kleenexes were being stuffed into my hands from all angles. I hadn't even realized I had started crying. Truthfully though, I guess the crying had never really stopped. We took a step. And then we were there. Our chain of hands broke apart, and we filed behind one another to tell her goodbye. I could reach out and touch the oak casket, smell the red roses that were laying on top. I saw the cute black and white polka dotted dress she wore, saw the rings on her fingers, and the necklace around her neck. I took notice of the shortened state of her fingernails; she had never really been a girly girl. She had hands that spoke of hard work, small and petite, but strong. Her face looked serene, like I was about to wake her from sleeping. Serene, but not quite right. It wasn't quite Marriah. Not really Doozie, I told myself. I sobbed as I clung to Aunt Tiny; her poor, tired body had to nearly hold me up. My tears soaked into her sweater. "She's so beautiful," I managed to say. She lifted me up to where we were face to face, and said you know I can just hear her saying "Momma, will you please stop rubbing my arm?" I gave a broken laugh. I was supposed to be strong for them, and here she was the one trying to comfort me? I fell out of her arms and into Uncle Keb's. I don't recall now what I said to him, or if I even said anything at all. I'm sure "I love you" was mumbled in there somewhere. I stumbled away, struggling to see because my vision blurred with tears. I saw a figure dressed in all black reach out and graze my arm, as if to comfort me, but I shied away. I don't know why; I obviously needed comfort. But at the time I was no longer sad. Fury raced like fire through my veins. It was so severe that it shocked me. For days, all I had felt was pain, sorrow, regret, and grief. Angry tears sprang from eyes and ran hot down my face. How dare someone do this to her! How dare someone do this anyone! I found a chair in the corner and sat while fierce sobs escaped my throat. My hands were balled into enraged fists in my lap, balled so tightly that my fingernails bit into the palms of my hands. My teeth were noisily chattering; I was livid! And then, my momma was there hovering over me. Her tears mingled with my own and landed on the lap of my black dress. I had to bite my tongue to keep from screaming. "I'm so mad, Momma! I'm so mad!" I tried to whisper, because I knew this wasn't the appropriate place to shout out. "I'm so mad, Momma!!!" My breathing was choppy because I was sobbing uncontrollably, and I knew that what I was saying was surely not coming out as quietly as it should. She held me and soothed me, as I clenched and unclenched my fists. She rubbed my arms and kissed my head and patted my hair. She tried her best to smother out the furious fire burning wildly within me. Eventually, my pulse slowed, my teeth became still, and my hands laid motionless in my lap. She had calmed me. There's nothing like a mother's touch. Then they called the family all back into the room for prayer and to view a slide show of pictures that had been put together. The pictures flashed on the wall directly above where Marriah lay, as if to show the stark contrast between her face in past pictures and her face as it was now. She was so alive! So full of life! They showed pictures that made us smile, some that made us laugh, some that made us sigh, and many that made us cry. About half way through, Mason made his way to the middle of the floor. He saw his momma up there in those pictures and just started grinning and giggling! He pointed at her and kicked his little feet. He was so happy to see her, like he had been searching for her for I'm sure he had been. Payton tried to hide her little eyes; I wish she could understand that it's okay to hurt. Shortly after our private family moments, they opened back up those big white double doors to the public, and tons of family and friends began to pour in. I sat in the corner and watched as an endless line of people marched in to pay their respects. Whether it was grief, pity, or a combination of both, emotion could be seen on each stranger's face. The time came too soon to say our final goodbyes. We were lead in another prayer, and before I was ushered out, I went back to Marriah. I told her I loved her and reached down to touch her arm. That's when reality shook me to my core. She was so cold. Too cold. She felt just like snow, but without the wetness. But, after a while I realized the cold was appropriate. That her being like a field blanketed with a new snow was right. She was pure now, she was all white and clean. She wouldn't have to suffer anymore with any of life's dirty smudges or muddy footprints. She would feel no more pain, no more worry, no more anger, hurt or sadness.
I love you Doozie, and I miss you so much. I'm so sorry that I didn't spend more time with you. I'm so sorry that I didn't reach out to you more. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you as much as I should have been. I will always regret the time I had but did not spend with you. I promise to take up time with your babies. I promise I will help to raise them to remember, know, and love you. I promise to make myself an active part of their lives. Your memory will live inside me forever. I will love and remember you always.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

One indifferent mind, coming right up!

The media has desensitized us to violence. We've even paid them fortunes to do so. We watch war movies with bombs, blood, missiles, and terror. Our kids and teens play video games where the winner is the one who has the most kills. We watch cop dramas with drive by's, and westerns with bloody shoot outs. We don't bat an eye at the whizzing bullets on the screen, we don't cringe away from the holes they leave in their victims. Just last week, I myself couldn't wait for the season finale of my favorite show. It was a two-hour long violence driven event in which a crazed, grief stricken gunman went on a killing spree. My eyes were glued to the TV, my pulse sped as I focused on the drama. I saw a girl being shot in the head. They zoomed in to show the tiny but deadly hole in her pretty face as the blood pooled around her petite body. I didn't look away. I didn't change the channel. My heart raced to match the intense suspense as the slaughter ensued. Now just a few days later, the memory makes me sick. It makes my heart slow and sag with disgust and anger. I've seen Robinhood shoot an arrow right through his enemy's neck, I've seen snipers shoot to kill from miles away, I've seen psychos slice through people in showers. And I thought, ew that's gross, or whoa that was graphic, or man that was a really good shot. I never saw the victims as real people; they were just characters that could stand up and wash away the fake blood when the director said cut. I never saw them as someone's sister, someone's wife, someone's only daughter, or some sweet child's mother. Not until now. I never thought of who the victims had left behind, I only wondered, are they gonna find the killer? Can they get away with it? How can he hide his tracks? Does she have a solid alibi? Is there enough DNA to convict? I never considered the pain of the family, I never once pictured the victim's mother as they gave her the news. I only thought of murder from the investigative, a game of 'who done it', stand point; I never saw the other side of the picture. But now, it seems, this side of the picture is all I can see. When I was on my way from Jackson to Bogue Chitto after hearing of Marriah's murder, I had to change the radio station so many times I lost count. In that short hour drive they played countless songs about violence, guns, and death. I remember one country song lyric said "i shot my woman and now she's 6 feet under." This is entertainment? This is music to sing a long with? How did our society become so, not only immune to, but enamored with violence?? It has to stop. We have to change. We need to be more aware of what we watch, and think of the impact it is truly having on our minds and the minds of our children. My perspective of the world and all things in it have drastically changed. It seems now that I may even be hyper-sensitive, which I would argue is a vast improvement over the alternative.